Torsten Klaus wonders why so many people have no clue how to talk to kids.
I believe many parents have been in that situation before. You go for a nice walk into town or to the local park, and by coincidence you meet someone you know. The emphasis is on ‘you’: your colleague, your friends, your friend’s friend, your … well, whoever. You start talking and exchange some expected politeness: ‘And how are you?’, ‘Well, and you?’, ‘Fine. Thanks. How’s work?’, ‘Good. Going anywhere nice?’, ‘Yes, the park.’, ‘Oh, that’s lovely, isn’t it.’ Bla, bla, bla.
While you keep small talking, you feel your child’s hand in yours, trying to pull you away or even hanging on your arm with all their weight. Then the other adult thinks it would be also very polite to talk to the kid. In general that sounds like a good plan. But too often the well-meant plan turns into an embarrassing disaster. Why? Because many adults have no idea what to ask or to say.
Or they forget that children, especially the younger ones, can’t/don’t want to small talk. So, the insecure adult is shooting question after question into the direction of the child, who couldn’t care less, and at the same time the parent feels embarrassed about the uncomfortable silence from kid’s side and the ongoing monologue from friend/colleague/whoever.
I would like to share some of the most common (and most stupid) questions, adults keep asking my kids. And offer some useful alternatives:
#1 So, what’s your name? Honestly, would you start a conversation with another adult like that? Would you approach someone nice at a party with a ‘Hey, who are you?’. I think the answer is definitely NO! Try this instead: ‘Hello, my name is xyz. Great to meet you.’ Wait for the child’s response. If she doesn’t give you one, don’t worry. The ice isn’t broken yet but you made a nice attempt to introduce yourself without putting any pressure onto the kid.
#2 How old are you then? 228. At least. Plus, minus a couple of years. Again, not a nice starter for a conversation. What is it you wanna find out? Does it really matter how old the child is or do you wanna test him on his maths skills? You wouldn’t ask another grown up this when you meet for the first time. Alternative? Talk about something the child might find more interesting then boring numbers. Do you have a pet you could talk about? But avoid too many questions like ‘I have a dog. Do you like dogs?’ Just say a few sentences and see whether the kid shows any interest. Simple rule here: If a child has interest in your topic, he’ll really listen to you and join in the conversation. No reply, no facial expressions, and looking shyly away = BOOOORRRINNNG! That’s your indicator to stop.
#3 Is that a sun there on your shirt? Yes, someone really asked that my son when he was wearing a nice shirt with a big, golden, shiny sun on it. No way it could have been mistaken for a cake, a dog or a spaceship. So, what is this question about? Are you having a sight problem or is it another test for the kid? Please, never, never, ever any judgemental or stupid comments on my children’s clothes. Back to that question: What possible answers could my son have given? A) Yes, it’s a sun. B) not applicable. End of story. Try something else: Liked the sun on his shirt? Say something more meaningful along the lines of ‘…as a kid I so much loved drawing suns. They looked a bit like the one on your shirt. I made them really bright and orange…’. From here the child can decide whether to talk about suns or something else. My eldest probably would have said ‘Hey, I like drawing too’.
#4 Are you being a good boy? How rude is that?? Got any respect for my son? Doesn’t sound like it. Can I answer back? ‘Are you being a good grown up?’ I know the answer: certainly not. Alternatives? Nope. Just don’t ask such outrageous questions. Never!
#5 Are you shy? Don’t wanna talk to me? Those words often follow a ‘C’mon, give me a smile’. Sorry, but my child is NOT a pet. He won’t smile or talk on command. He’s no robot either. No buttons to press. Just to remind you, he’s a human being with emotions, feelings and dreams. Treat and respect him that way. Always. Yes, many kids find it very hard to open up immediately. It’s an awkward situation for them. Putting any pressure or expectations on them won’t help. Try saying this: ‘I also find it hard sometimes to know what to say’. What a simple but powerful way to explain that grown-ups can feel helpless too. Also, you’re showing real understanding and empathy.
And that’s the key: step back and be more empathic. Don’t bombard children with too many (empty and meaningless) questions. Give them time to listen, to reflect and to reply. What else? Never ask anything you wouldn’t dare asking your best friend too.
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